Today, August 29th, 2009 marks 4 years from when hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans and devastated so many lives, causing mass damage and devastation in her wake of terror. I remember it very well because I had left a dangerous mess of a private hidden life with my now ex. Although the public side of my life with him seemed idealic to many, the private side was very sad & very messed up. From the public perspective outside of my relationship with him, I had a life that I loved in many ways. Being out west and having almost no money I left everything I owned (a house full of furniture & decor items as well as books & personal info in file cabinets etc…. over 30 years of accumulations of adult life…) other than a few cosmetics, clothes, my Bible & a couple boxes of family photos. I had a couple friends there that were very helpful, even life giving in my departure from all the craziness. One of them was an absolute angel to me, not only when I left but prior to that time period, and afterward as well. I called her daily and she was always there with love & support. (Darlene I will never forget all you were and did for me. You were an absolute God-send to me & I thank you so much my friend & sis.)
I left Nevada on July 25, 2005 and went to stay with friends in CA to heal for a couple months before heading back across the USA toward “home”. I originally wanted to go out in the woods alone and just cry and heal with just me and God. I felt so deplete and worthless that I didn’t want anyone to witness the raw pain and worthlessness I felt. I was a damaged, broken woman full of guilt and grief. There was much involved that I didn’t speak about, some things that had I been stronger I should have reported to the sheriff. But I was good friends with his wife and friends with he as well, and at the time I just couldn’t bring it all out in the open. All were components that had to do with the strange damaging secret life I lived with my ex, that I carried deep inside of me.
For many months after leaving I can remember crying out to God often like a broken child for the strength & will to continue on and start over. I have truly miraculously healed from all that with God’s love and care (and you wonder why I love God so much???? :) but I still see news stories that remind me of that life with him that take me to my knees for those I don’t know, but that I “understand.” To this day I believe it is my calling to intercede in prayer for these people.
My friends there in CA took me to San Francisco, touring through the wineries in Sonoma & Napa Valley and up the coast. All the awesome things I experienced coupled with their care and kindness helped me to begin my healing process. It helped me much to be in those beautiful areas & have the opportunities to explore such beautiful areas. It was inspiring to me on many levels. When I have my health and fitness level in a better place I want to go back with my sister Patty (and my son if he is able and still wants to) to re-experience the wineries and that beautiful sea-life filled coast, as a whole person.
When the ex came and got me from SC & took me to Nevada, I had a thriving business, several thousand dollars, all my earthly belonging in a 24 ft truck & a heart pretty much in tact. When I left, I pulled out with a ‘99 Dodge Dakota (mid-sized truck) and very little else. I left behind a weekly TV spot, a spokesperson role for a local medical weight loss center with commercials etcetera, I sang in a number of events including a very successful annual benefit show at one of the big community based casinos. I knew and was friends with most of the “who’s who” in town and was often recognized from the TV spots, people were very kind to me and much of my public life there was a gift to me in many ways. And yet personally I felt like nothing, like a walking zombie… Worthless & deeply grieved. I have always been a strong person with a strong level of belief in myself so this was a foreign state of being for me. I began to feel more and more like I was watching myself perform day to day “playing me” as I began to feel less & less “there”. It is a hard to explain state of being for those who haven’t experienced it. But obviously it was not a healthy situation by any stretch. I believe to this day that not only was my mind and spirit in a damaging situation but, that I was also in real physical danger. I almost felt I deserved it as I had put myself into the situation and should have known better! I had “seen” the signs and yet I still left my life to start a new life with this man across the USA. I was so full of guilt that for many many months I would pray for others but not myself. I have known and loved God all my life, but during that time period I felt I had deserted God and the common sense HE gave me and that I didn’t deserve HIS love or care.
When I was in CA, Katrina hit. I remember watching it all on TV in utter shock. So today as it marks 4 years, I want to thank a few that imparted into my life. It is no small thing when you help others in whatever ways you can. So visit the friend in the hospital, listen to the hurting souls, pray for others, give in whatever ways you can whether it monetarily or food for the hungry or a blanket for the cold, care, love, little tiny things make a huge difference… They truly do.
To Darlene: You were a lifeline to me, thank you for being such an amazing friend to me when I was so deplete. Thanks for always believing in me sis. To my family: Thanks to all of you for your prayers, love care and non-judgment. Mom & Newberne: Mom, Thank you for understanding some of what I felt then. Thank you both for helping me get across the USA even though the gas skyrocketed at that time and I was devistated by it. You helped me not once but twice. It took me 2 years to pay you back and yet you never once asked me for it… never once… I love you both so much. You always loved me & never judged me… You are awesome parents. Newberne though you came into my life as an adult you are an awesome father and I love you. Chad: If it hadn’t been for you I don’t know if I would even be alive right now. I had given up and you would not give up on me. You were the bridge that would not go away. You somehow with God’s help found a way for me to hear again just long enough for my guilt wall to drop so that I could come back to know the love and care of God. I am crying now remembering that final day that the wall fell and I could see again as you reminded of the “prodigal son” in your unique way that only you could. You knew far more than anyone and yet you never betrayed me, you never judged me, you always believed in me, even inmy worst days always loved & respected me. I cannot tell you how much I love you and how proud I am of the man you have become. If I never had anything else in this life I am blessed beyond words that God allowed me the gift of being your Mom. (OK pulling myself back together now… whew… memories.. so real… so close right now…) Pamela, When you were at such a hard time physically we shared our closest times as sisters. You often navigated me to a safe area in the middle of the night as you lay hurting almost bed-bound with your laptop. And you listened that day that I came out of that church on a Wednesday night so hurt and so sad, knowing I wouldn’t get a campground as I had so little money and gas was so high that I wouldn’t even buy myself socks and I was freezing at that point in the Colorado mountains. You booked me a three nights in a beautiful campground that, even though I told you not to. I needed that reprieve so badly. It was like being in heaven for a little while. I had a lakefront site with electricity and full hook-up. Thank you. Whew… and others that prayed and cared like you Leann who I knew as Angel as an onlilne friend who listened and cared. I called you also several times sis, in my journey back into wholeness. Thank you sis, I love you. And to Landmark church that God led me to a couple months after getting to Atlanta. You didn’t know how much of a broken mess I was then, and yet you embraced me with open arms and hearts and I felt a part of the family there. I miss many there and I thank you so much. To my sister Patty & Nephew Billy: I will never forget that first Thanksgiving I came home and I felt so odd. You both met me at Barnes & Noble after Thanksgiving, before I went back to Atlanta. You listened, you cared and we shared a heartfelt connection that day that meant so much to me. You connected with the real me deep inside and it mattered, you both made such a difference by loving and caring and believing in me, thank you. I love you so much! TO ALL READING THIS: Please know you probably have no idea that there are lost broken people around you. I seemed very whole and fine on the surface. You can make a huge difference…
To the ONE Who gave me life and hope and joy again: Thank You God… I know their are many who misunderstand how amazing You are and how much you love them. Thank You for loving me at my very worst as well as at my best. I will love you forever.
I am currently in a transitioning phase of my life again. But it is good and I am full of hope and gratitude even for this new phase in my life. God is good and I am thankful and blessed. Blessings to All, Brenda
