Handling Life Changes

Have you ever been there? All of a sudden everything in your life seems to be shifting and changing. It is very scary and yet a little exciting at the same time. All the security is suddenly gone... well the security based on earthly things that is... but it is sobering... it stuns you a bit. One minute you feel relieved that the crazy pace of the merry go round' will finally be stopping soon and the next minute you realize that although you have been spinning to the insanity of it for too long, it paid your bills, so you kept spinning until it felt almost normal for things to often spin crazily. Then one day you knew it was stopping... it was happening so suddenly that you began to hang on to columns that held it together. And then you saw it all clearly as it was slowing... it was time... time for you to get off and start the next phase of your life.

That is where I am right now. The merry go 'round is still spinning but I know it will be stopping here very shortly. And that changes everything. A life upside down... or is it? Even though it robs us of our own life and debilitates our health, do we grow so accustomed to the craziness that we accept it for the monetary security it buys us? I guess the answer in my case is yes, for a while anyway. But now the time has come... and my stomach feels nauseous (after all I have been spinning madly for quite a while now) and my head and back hurt while I try and prepare to get off the crazy ride. Soon it will stop and I will walk away. I imagine my legs will feel a little weak as they learn to steady themselves on the stable ground.

I know the direction in which I am headed and everything about it awakens me. And yet there is much preparation between now and then and many questions I don't have an answer for yet. Change is scary indeed, but it can also be liberating and exciting. Today as I am still standing on the merry go 'round and dealing with all that means, one part of me is crying inside as I am leaving all I have worked for behind... it hurts, I am sad... a grieving is happening quietly inside as I work busily preparing for that thud of a stop that I know is coming soon. And yet... as I gaze out into the future there is another part of me that I can see smiling in life as it was meant to be, breathing again... living fully again... Is that me? That woman laughing as the breeze blows through her hair? Do you see her? She is free of many things... she lives differently than some can understand and yet she is free... do you see her? I almost can now... The door that was is shutting, and I can almost see a big beautiful window beginning to open...